I just don’t know what’s going on with me.
The other night, while I was stopping into a local convenience store to get cigarettes, I noticed a new flavor that piqued my curiosity. I bought a pack and the store clerk, whom I am friends with, remarked that finally someone he knew bought a pack and could tell him how the cigarettes tasted. So I lit the cigarettes right there at the counter and took a long draw from it. I told him it was a very smooth form of a menthol and, with a smirk, I stated “knowing my luck a cop will walk in while I’m standing here.” He laughed and I left without incident.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t thinking. It wasn’t that I felt some primitive urge to scoff at the law, disregard the health of others, or that I needed to willfully disrespect the company that owned the store. I just didn’t care. I felt like lighting the cigarette and taking a drag, so I did.
Belligerence seems to be my new attitude and, though I know it isn’t particularly helpful or healthy, it seems as if I just can’t help it. I feel like the Seroquel and Zoloft suddenly stopped working.
I’m really not happy with life right now and I’m sure that has a lot to do with it. Work has been a little more demanding than usual lately, my long-suffering wife will have to have another surgery that will cost her all of the toes on one foot, and I’m dealing with life without a single drop of liquor. My ankle and knee have been hurting more than usual and I’m refraining from painkillers even when they’re offered.
I’m trying to remain positive and optimistic for my wife, to reassure her that the surgery is necessary and that she’ll recover from it, but deeper inside I’m shaking my fist at the heavens and wondering how much more that she will have to endure. I’m angry for her, angry at myself, and developing a growing intolerance for outside annoyances and hindrances.
Is this a phase of recovery that I’m going through or am I just demonstrating shitty coping skills? I’m focusing as hard as I can on not letting things get worse than they have to be and simultaneously flipping-off anyone and anything that seems unimportant to my immediate aims.
Whatever it is that’s going on with me, I need to fix it fast. I feel like the same guy that started drinking when I couldn’t think of another way to handle things. I know where this can take me if I’m not careful, so I’m halfway to stopping it before it leads me back to the liquor store. Now I just need to figure out what to do differently this time to prevent the worst.
And I need to stop being angry with God.
Hello, My Name Is Steve 