The closer my wife gets to losing her toes, the closer I get to losing my mind. And my patience. And my temper. And my self-control.
I feel as though I am perpetually on the ragged edge of completely losing my shit. I’m angry that fate is being so unkind to my wife. I’m angry that fate isn’t being particularly kind to me either. I’m angry that despite the fact that I am off of work for five straight days I can’t seem to sleep in to save myself. And I’m angry that I can’t drink to try and forget it all for a while.
I’m precariously walking a tightrope of emotional stability and it feels like the slightest breeze of inconvenience or opposition is going to tip me off-balance. I become extremely withdrawn in public places and among strangers, such as going to the grocery store or pharmacy, and I’m increasingly impatient and contentious when I’m in my favorite convenience stores. I can easily recognize that I’m distancing myself from others and growing more and more protective of the wife I can do nothing for.
What’s worse is that I’m a proud 0%er, meaning that I reject affiliations with groups or clubs. My social circle is very small – the way I like it – and I have little space reserved for new people. This equates to me not liking to be in groups (like AA Meetings or therapy groups) and not being altogether comfortable with opening up to strangers. I’ve tried the one-on-one therapy thing a few times and it just seems to annoy me more than help me. That’s probably because I don’t like the idea of a stranger sitting in judgment of my life and how I live it. And, yes, I recognize that as also being a problem, because I obviously haven’t been handling the “managing my life” bit very well on my own.
There has to be some ‘happy medium’ where I can get some direction without feeling criticized, but that’s going to take a major step on my part that I just don’t seem capable of yet. There has to be a means in which I can stop being pissed-off at life and the world. Something has to give, and I’m afraid it’s going to be my resolve to stay calm, remain patient, and not drink.
God knows me, but so does the Devil, and one of them is constantly speaking louder than the other. I’m trying to tune out the adversary. I really need God to speak up. I need to hear Him.
Hello, My Name Is Steve 