When you enter into recovery you learn that you are, in-fact, two different people in one body. That’s not an assertion of mental illness, but a recognition of the reality that you are either a person that drinks and/or does drugs or you are a person that doesn’t do those things. When you engage the person that doesn’t drink and/or do drugs, you become extremely conscious of the one that does those things. It’s as though you are outside of yourself, watching carefully for that person to show his face, listening for him to try to convince you that there’s an easier way to deal with life, and you know you have to ignore him.
He’s a cunning and charming little shit, too. He’ll tell you things like “just this one time won’t hurt,” “you can handle it this time,” and “this is just too much too handle without a little help.” He knows you all-too-well and he’ll pick at your weaknesses to convince you to surrender control to him. He is patient sometimes and most-insistent at others, sensing when you are at your wit’s-end and ready to sway you to opening the cage that you keep him in. He’ll readily swap spots and lock up the sober you while he seizes control and destroys your life.
The key thing to remember is that no matter how long you’re clean and sober, you’re never completely rid of him. He can lie dormant, hibernating for weeks, months, years, or, as in my case, decades. But he’s never totally gone, never completely confined, never rendered harmless for the rest of your life. He’s counting on you to ignore him, to forget his presence and the threat he poses, but make no mistake: he’s always there.
What I love the most about the song “Monster” by Skillet is that it identifies the very real danger of having something dark inside of you. It’s deep within you but also near the surface and ready to emerge. It’s the part of you that you don’t want others to know about and, unfortunately, the part that those close to you have probably already seen. I also love that the song is hard-rocking and rough, as it serves to empower you to be just as strong as the beast that lies within you.
Note: Since I’m poor and can’t afford a plan that will allow me to embed videos in blog posts (or I can and I just haven’t figured out how to), clicking the image below will take you to the Youtube video. Lyrics follow the video.
The secret side of me, I never let you see
I keep it caged but I can’t control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can’t hold it
It’s scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can’t control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won’t somebody come and save me from this, make it end?
I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I’ve become, the nightmare’s just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
My secret side I keep hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can’t control it
‘Cause if I let him out he’ll tear me up, break me down
Why won’t somebody come and save me from this, make it end?
I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I’ve become, the nightmare’s just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
It’s hiding in the dark, it’s teeth are razor sharp
There’s no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream, maybe it’s just a dream
Maybe it’s inside of me, stop this monster
I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I’ve become, the nightmare’s just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I’ve gotta lose control, here’s something radical
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
Hello, My Name Is Steve 